You just KNOW there was real sugar in those straws Eureka was sucking down as she did her Honey Boo Boo gig for Snatch Game. Whatever it was that was in there worked like a charm, so snaps for her. I mean, it’s a pretty dated reference, I honestly thought ‘this joke is gonna fall flat for sure’. But she was prepared, she made it hilarious, and it worked. And that’s how you do Snatch Game.
Monique arguing how creative she is while the 2 large pieces of sellotape holding her outfit onto her body are clearly visible. I mean, what can you even say to this bitch?
Bianca’s back! It was great to see her in this kinda role; funny, insightful, and giving bitches really important, well thought out advice. In the past, the critique for Snatch Game has been vague at best. This year, bitches were told ‘No’. And it worked, for the most part. For some, the advice was the difference between a hit and a miss.
Everyone (except Eureka, interestingly) said they would send The Vixen home. They gave various reasons why, but here’s the T: EVERYBODY HATES YOU, VIXEN! I mean, we can skate around it, or paint it up to look like something else, but how many other ways are there to say YOU’RE A CUNT AND NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!
IT AIN’T WHATCHU WEAR!
Dear lord the mermaid runway was a shocker. A few well planned, more creative concepts came through – I’m looking at you Aquaria, and I thought Kameron did pretty well too – but all up it was a hot mess. And not having them ambulant was a terrible idea, though thankfully it has resulted in some wonderful GIFs.
IT’S HOOOW YOU WEAR IT!
Asia’s trout face. I don’t even know where to begin. Artistically, I thought it was a revelation. But to have to keep it on for the whole episode AND during the angst-ridden seriousness of Untucked made for some surreal and camp looking moments. When she had to say who she thought should go, and she said “The Brichkon”… Fuck I laughed.
I’m here to tell y’all, Audra McDonald talking her edges being snatched had me squealing into nearby throw cushions. This bitch has won more acting Tonys than any other person. She is a renowned Soprano, a new mother, a snappy dresser, and she’s currently killing it on The Good Fight (best show on television atm - available through CBS All Access Sunday nights). I live for her. She doesn’t need this show. She is like a million miles above this show. But here she is because she’s FABULOUS and she LOVES IT. And for her to give Aquaria notes on acting is like Freud being your psychotherapist. I mean, DIE.
The Vixen choosing Blue Ivy for Snatch Game was potentially the most amazing, laugh out loud moment of this season. It could have changed everything. But, of course she has no humour, so what could have been next level was simply her doing a baby voice. It was such a miss, and only amplified by the fact that it should have been the biggest hit.
Aquaria (as Melania): This is the first time Beyonce’s ever written for herself…
Visage (doing her best ‘Little Mermaid’ on Cracker’s runway): Whaddaya call em…? Tits!
The Vixen (to Ru after the lipsync): That’s one thing I learned from you Ru: That’s unless they’re payin’ yo bills, pay them bitches no mind.
Miz Cracker: Shabbat Shablamb!
Talking Asia out of doing the druggy element of Whitney Houston not only proved detrimental to her performance, but it was a truly gross indictment to how watered down this show has become. So disappointing. A complete embarrassment.
How much more of The Vixen do we have to endure? What a hateful, angry, empty narcissist she is presenting to the world. Watching her constantly undermine and bully Eureka goes against any kind of ‘for the people’ liberator she purports to be. To claim how frustrated she is by Eureka’s inability to change, after time and again pulling her “This is me! Don’t poke the bear! I won’t change for no one!” bullshit. What a fucking liberty! I mean, we are in new territory here, this bitch is borderline pathological. She’s a fucking Ryan Murphy real life American Horror Story. And here’s the other thing that bugs me: She’s not even very good! Her runway is average at best; she’s never funny or smart; her lipsyncs are messy and haphazard. I mean, at least with Phi Phi she was bringing something good to the party. Vixen honey, please pack up your bitter bags and get the fuck gone.
YOU’RE A WINNER BABY…
Aquaria got her second win. Hurrah! Her Melania was all kinds of genius. This kid is smarter and funnier than she gives herself credit for. That line about “this is why my husband doesn’t like China” and the whole intro with the “HELP ME!” Tiffany box. Sublime! And funny as fuck. She OWNED this week, from the library, to the Snatch Game, through to the runway, so it was great to see her rewarded.
The Vixen vs Monique Heart lipsyncing to ‘Cut To The Feeling’ by Carly Rae Jepsen:
Monique ripped off the bottom of her mermaid tail – like literally ripped cos she doesn’t know how to put together a velcro tearaway – and little pearls rolled everywhere and I thought ‘Lord it’s on! We’re about to have a genuine Showgirls moment with the slipping onstage nonsense’. But no.
The Vixen, once again, was unfettered and sloppy, rollin’ and jumpin’ and carryin’ on. But, once again, she worked the energy like a beast. AND she knew the words.
Monique didn’t know the words.
I mean, fuck! HOW did this happen? We NEEDED you this week, bitch.
And it begs the question: How long are they given to learn a song? I always thought they’re given a list of potential ‘Lipsync For Your Life’ songs to learn at the start of their season, so that no one is left completely in the dark. If so, then why would Monique be so disastrously unprepared?
This was a very, very disappointing outcome.